I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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