hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
