At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
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Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
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No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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