Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
