I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
