I want to make a zoo with you.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
