Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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