does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
