The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
