Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
