My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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