I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
