she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
