I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
