oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
