my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
