...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
