Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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