burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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