I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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