Umm I'm too high to move.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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