the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
