Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
