i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
