need another drink. this is the easiest way
the condom got lost in my hair
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
