The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
