First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
