I wish I could teleport
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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