He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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