Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
