News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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