i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
