Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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