and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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