theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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