like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
