I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
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My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
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They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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