it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
