the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
