hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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