Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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