Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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