I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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