Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
