he told me I talked like a deaf person
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
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I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
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The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste