I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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