i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
