sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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