come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
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You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
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Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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