i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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