he puts the penis in happiness.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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