I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
