I wanna passion pit in your ass
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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