I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
