Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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