I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
