Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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